venus_in_furs00

i look at my sent messages and all of them are directed at him; and they are all marked "unread." Do I check my sent messages in the hopes that they will have been "read?" I'm aware they won't, but something deep, down inside hopes that the messages will be read, responded to, i'd call him, run to him for an escape, and be received with open arms and energetic compassion.

Iron and Wine just came on the shuffled playlist, why did itunes do that to me.

Maybe I feel like he may not be physically reading my letters, but a part of his being is understanding my current emotions and something metaphysical is helping him visualize or hear my letters..but thats just nonsense.
I think I'm hoping that one day he'll be able to check his inbox and read all of the messages and respond to each one, as if he just simply took awhile to write back, a long long while. Then again, common sense will tell ya that he'd have forgotten his password by then, IF he were to even come back at all.
I think I'm hoping for too much. Hoping has gotten me nowhere. Hope is said to keep one going, but im not going, so i guess i can disprove that statement. Iv been distant since the accident, im sure youve all noticed. Maybe its hope that has been keeping me so distant. Maybe i should just get rid of all hope, face reality, suck it up, and live again, boy do i miss living, reallllly living.

i wish i didnt quit smoking cigarettes so id have one handy right about now.

im really thirsty.

I'm dropping trig! My decision to do so ignited an unstoppable force.  I met with the academic advisor, financial aid, and career finding aids, made appointments to speak with my professors, chose my courses for next semester, and began my extra credit assignment!  I'm taking sculpture next semester, you have no idea how excited I am.  I'm the only student I've ever heard of who took a highschool sculpture class as seriously as I did.  It's pathetic that I feel most at peace in that class. working on the pottery wheel on a calm, breezy morning, with a great song on my ipod, and nothing but positive peers sharing a common interest.  fuck.

Robbie's doing slightly better I guess.  He went from blankly staring straight, to blankly staring to the right! I'm hopeless, it sucks.  That stupid fucking polariod we took two years ago really needs to dissappear, aw but look at his crappy, 4-yr-old hand writing:c  I miss that asshole cunt, well I miss the illusion that I had of him, livin in a world where drug dealing and robbing was no big deal. DD! thanks Eddie. 


p.s..ABT never reunited..

haha meg n genny, you should know the meaning of my mood icon
I'm done letting Cookie persuade me to go to bro parties.  Not really 'bro', more like stoners and metal kids, really wierd.  Ha me and Emmett have started a trend of drunk dials.  I'm very BIG on drunkdialin, don't know why, but I feel the urge when I'm at that point.   Well thursday night I called him 14 times! 14 times! thats crazy. 
Fuck cosmetics department, photo department's where I need to be.  Maria helped me create a panoramic film photo...on my work time...as I got paid.  Lucky bitch gets to do this every day.  Walgreens just hands you over $893745923 in machinery, an awesome editing software, and the ability to lurk other people's photos.  What more could a girl ask for?
I'm so glad the disposable I gave Maria had pics on it from forever ago.  AY BRANDON, GIRLL, SAW YOU ON DA TRAIN TRACKZ! That is just one link to soo many memories.. and you know, my memory needs all the help it can get. Stoners who have smoked away all their memory can't even compare.  In a way, this can sort of work to my benefit.  I can forget an aweful lot, unless I think really hard about a certain event or I cared enough to keep it with me.  It is very possible for me to encounter a negative event in my life, and simply dispose of it, as if it never happened.  Don't know if thats really healthy though.  We're supposed to grow from our past fuck-ups, not forget about them and let em happen again.  Ha, I think this can account for a lot of the things i've done, or should I say let go and put up with, in the past. Let's hope my memory does'nt get me into too much trouble.



my panoramic.. full version looks better


BRANDON, IVE ATTACKED YOU FROM ALL ANGLES.  GIRL, I KNOW THAT PHONE BETTER GET ATLEAST ONE ALERT.  ABT reunion soon! can't wait!

:(

What a way to start of the morning.  I poured my daily cup of milk in my favorite captain kirk burger king cup, even threw in a little green straw, sat down at the computer, sipped my straw, AND THE MILK WAS EXPIRED. ew, nasty, there is no taste I dislike more than expired milk :(  Man, I have so much studying to do today.  I need to learn how to manage my time..or lack of time.
I rang up Trick Daddy yesterday at Walgreens! I kept my cool, don't worry.  He was really dirty lookin and mean.  I grew up listening to that man and now, I feel like he ruined some ways I viewed my childhood.  haha I texted Cookie "I rang up TD," and his response was, "no way, where you at!?" ....where else would I have RANG up TD?
I want to move to Orlandoooo.  Really. Fuck, i need to take the initiative.  Simon showed me this green road bike and I'm in love.  Sorry to sound cliche you guys, but I really want a road bike.  I use to ride mine all the time with my mommy, still do. 
hahaha so bad.  yesterday I thought up a neat photo idea.  Nobody was home so I just went into my parents room, stripped down, and set up my area.  I turrned all the lamps sideways for lighting and got my cameras iso/shutter/av/zoom/focus.  I was ready.  After only ten minutes I heard the garage open. fuck. I imagined my parents walking in to the sight of their teenage daughter photographing herself in the nude in their room that's "off limits", oh man did I rush.  The second I was finished and turned all the lamps back, was the second they finally walked through the door. 

Everything is so different when you can actually FEEL the music, you're listening to.  Born in a world without sunshine.  You are the apple of my eye.  
My views on the world have changed dramatically these past few months.  I believed all people were beautiful, perfect, both inside and out.  Mankind is cruel, selfish, conniving, yet our thoughts, our ability to love, our physical, mental, emotional make is beautiful.  We have what it takes to make our dream real.  Peace isn't a fucking accessory for little girls to overemphasize a fucking fashion statement.  Peace is a wonderful theory, a beautiful possibility, a mutual understanding between our populace and an actual will to carry out that objective.  I wish racism and sexism were never invented.  I wish religious division and homophobic ideas didn't cloud the air.  I found out that people were discriminated against for the color of their skin when I was in fifth grade. It broke my heart. I show no discomfort for other ethnicities, yet I feel the discrimination against myself, against my life decisions, against the body that I was born into. 
lovelovelovelove!! meganmollytalijessicamichellebrandondannymommybabagrammyumojeantmattkarichelseacookiemikeymonajonadajoesantiagoumairgabbysteeleronnierosaseanterrellralphguyadamandreathamarabillybillkevincodylizardmarianickpattyevagregjoshjozierobertericamandaemmettbrianbrian(and)brian
yes! love!

lalalalala "Forever Heavy" on repeat, all day.  I want all of the good music in the world to just flow into my ipod without me having to search for it.  Now that, that would be grrreat.  Mary, his nanny, has been tellin everybody (doctors, nurses, therapists, other patients etc) she's his mom so they pitty and respect her more.  Oh man, does she get under my skin.  I think I can mask it quite well though, it's a gift.  Fuck, how did those guys put up with living with her. 
I want to get back in to my photography.  I'm so excited! I've got big plans; more nude shoots, more b & w, film!, a new macro fisheye! I wonder what itll be like to use my friends as my nude models, they've all offered so why not. 
I skipped my ENC1102 and ECO class this mornin before I headed to Miami.  I went to my trig class, totally zoned out and didn't take notes, skipped my I/O Psych class, and left.  Why did I bother.  Boy, am I an a class college student.
Haha tonight I'm babysitting my coworker's little girl..who happens to be Brandon's aunt.  How wierd will it be to see his pictures all around her house hahaha.  My close friend whom I hav'nt seen in months. 
FUCKING AMAZING, bmsr is soooo way too good.

fuck I was on my way to bed when I caught sight of my grandmother's white chocolate and macadamia nut cookies..now Im on livejournal with a glass of milk and a napkin full.
Earlier today I was driving behind someone in a gas-guzzling truck with 23235 inch, chrome rims, a pink flowery sandals sticker, and a Hank III sticker.  How is it possible thant you could combine such things.  The douchiest bro car, a conservative mom bumper sticker, and the fucking coolest thing one could possibly put on their car, a Hank III sticker.  Fucking Hank III!? I couldn't decide whether to hate this person or love this person. 
I'm sitting in the dark as everyone sleeps with their door shut, and the Howl-O-Scream ad to the right of my screen is of three faces, equally scary and drenched in blood. Oh come on.
I think I'm developing carpel tunnel after all this livejournaling :c fuck, i write way too much in this.
I miss Michelle, New York is way too far away for one of my best friend's to be living. Can't wait till November.
So she(who we do not speak her name) is back.  She spent the day at the hospital, and conveniently arrived as soon as I left. Tomorrow she plans on spending the day with Robbie, apparently she "wants some alone time" with him. lol.
I'm tired of hearing guys talk about how great they think they are.  Stating the fact that other girls have obsessed over them in the past will surely make me drop my panties.  And ohhhh ok you can skateboard really good, therefore you must be a superb candidate for a future boyfriend, cause lord knows your skateboarding level is a great judge of character.
Speaking of which, I'm takin Danny, Mikey, Cookie, and Robert with me over to the skatepark some day soon. My brother needs to get back into it and get the hell out of the house.  WoW is taking over his life.  Fuck I do miss the skatepark though, those were the days, haha even if I was'nt actually the one skating.  I loved it.  Everyone was happy.  Friends from all over would head over to Hollywood Free Park, skate, me and maybe Robbie or Mikey would take the pictures (there is no lense better than a fish eye), some kid would blast Led Zeppelin on his radio, we'd bring the hookah pipe for everyone to share, I'd have a peaceful place and subject to draw, and those routine sparks under the half pipe. 
I feel really bad that Cookie cant skate anymore. Little kids in south Florida praised him for his skill, my brothers friends almost died when they found out I knew him.  It is'nt just a hobby to these kids, its a constant high, a rush of adrenaline, a reason to be alive. Now the poor boy can't even drop in thanks to our good ol pal, scoliosis.  I wish everyone paid more attention to the fact that Cooke is feelin a pretty big impact from Robbie's accident as well.  Those boys hung out everyday since age 8. Every damn time we'd hang out, Cooke would call us atleast once.  Me and him fought each other for Robbie's attention.  Now me and Cookie hang out everyday, he reminds me of Robbie and I think I do the same for him.  That kids sort of become a little brother to me.  Oh man, if he knew he was the younger sibling in this relationship.

I love you guys. Its late at night when I'm most emotional.  You guys are such beautiful beings, inside and out.  If we dissagree, it's only for a second, then we see each others side and accept it.  July 10, 2009 was the worst day in my life.  It will forever affect me, forever change me.  I struggled.  I'm still struggling.  One day at the hospital Robbie was in such bad condition and I was hopeless. I ran out of the back doors of Jo Dimaggio for a cigarette.  I didn't want any advice, I didn't want any help. I didn't want any pitty.  You spent about a half hour sitting next to me on that sidewalk as I cried, when I suggested it'd be best you went home.  I will never forget what you said to me, Megan, "I like being at the hospital, I like being here with you, I don't want to leave you here alone." I wasn't even speaking to you!  You were'nt benefiting from it in any way whatsoever! and you didnt care. 
You wanted to be there for me. Every day.
Molly I know hearing me sob had an impact on you. Mentally, you go through a lot. My problems, they just added weight, and you never seemed bothered.  Never.  Not even a fucking glimpse of it from both of you. Fuck, you're too good to me.  Too good for everyone.  This harsh world doesnt deserve you guys, nobody does.  I don't.
Im all teary-eyed now.
I will never forget how kind and selfless you guys have been, for the rest of my life and on.